An emotionless post

The past week or so has been very emotionally void for me.  And without emotions, it is really hard to listen to music.  The music files in my ipod – randomness that they are – are displeasing to my head lately.  The slightest hint of emotion is overload for me.

I can’t handle sad music.  I have a lot of sad music.  Patty can be pretty sad.  John Mayer is depressing.  I can’t handle them – I deal with enough sad during my day.  I spend my days transcribing stories that are sad – women abused, mistreated.  I eat lunch with sad women, telling me how they miss their children.  Sad is the rally in memory of the murdered domestic worker in Canada, and the government telling their own people they “don’t want to get involved” – literally closing the door on any hope they had for justice.  I deal with sad every night, when I come home to an empty apartment – when I have to email my family for contact, or hope schedules align in the 12 hour time difference in order to talk to my boyfriend.    So I can’t handle sad right now.

I can’t handle angry right now.  I have a good bit of angry music in my file too.  Chick music can get angry sometimes.  And somehow I ended up some of Nate and Kris’ metal collection.  But anger is too overwhelming.  Where do we start?  There seems so much to be angry at.  Rights abused, people forgotten, a place that is supposed to stand for safety bars the very people they are supposed to protect.  Since when is it ok for people to be treated as less than slaves?  Workers refused food, access to water, forced to sleep on the kitchen floor without even a blanket.  It makes me want to yell, to scream, to beat down the doors of the employers and government asking where do they get off? How did you gain power over the life of another human being?  Does it make you feel like a bigger person to step on someone else?  Are you really that bully on the playground taking the milk money from the poor kid, when you have chocolate milk in your thermos? 

 I can’t handle happy right now either.  Jack Johnson, Ella, KT and those Barenaked Ladies – usually my sing-a-longs, I switch off.  Happy just seems fake and displaced right now.  It is not so much that I am experiencing a lack of joy.  I am still surrounded by laughter, as the Filipinos are some of the most genuinely happy people I have ever met.  But the sadness and anger take over sometimes – and its hard to sing about horses and love right now.

Neither can I handle worship music right now.  I am not feeling particularly reflective or worthy right now.  When I write, even my words seem bored on the screen.  It is hard to process some of the things I see, some of the things I hear.  There is so much good and bad all mixed together, my head doesn’t know what to do with it all. 

If my life had a soundtrack – which it sometimes does as my ipod has become as important to remember as my keys when I leave the house – if my life had a soundtrack, I think it would be silent right now.  I can’t handle my favorite songs right now. I can hardly handle the silence.


2 thoughts on “An emotionless post

  1. Your heart is alive and your nerves are raw. I am actually rejoicing in that. So many of us just dive into numbness and shock because it is easier to handle than channeling the hurt and pain to try and do something – anything. Because of you and your honesty with yourself you will make a difference. I don’t know how big or small, but you will. Thanks for inspiring me to make a difference, too.
    You’re in the perfect place. Nothing will comfort you but taking action and fighting.
    I’m praying for you and with you.

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